Marine Corps Mom to Be

So much is changing.  I had a birthday, my children are growing up and my marriage seems to be distorted from what it used to be.  Lately, I don’t know who I am.  I always knew this would happen.  I even have tried to prepare for it. 

I know it seems as if I am complaining. I am not.  I am just trying to figure things out.  For me putting my thoughts on paper (or Word) is therapy.  It is like telling my best friend and never having to worry about them telling my secrets to anyone.

Yesterday, I turned 40.  At times, it seems as if I am old and have forgotten to live life.  And at others, it seems 40 years isn't that long ago.  I know neither of these thought to be completely true.  I know in one perspective, they may seem true, but when viewed in totality, neither is correct.  I have lived a full life and could die today knowing I have experienced more things than most people.  However, if I were to die today there are so many things left I want to experience and accomplish.

I read recently you should laugh at least 5 times an hour.  Yesterday, I laughed at least that!  Today, I am feeling more melancholy than happy.  Yesterday I was with people in my life who help keep me laughing. 

In the last year, I feel life has taken a turn I wasn't expecting.  It has been stressful at times, making it hard to remember everything I want.  I have hit a point where I notice I am starting to forget things.  The more stress I suffer, the more things go missing.  So far, it is the simple things, but there are times I worry it will be the important things.  So much has happened in the last few weeks, I feel it is necessary to write it down so I don’t forget.

Last year in July, my youngest child, a daughter, signed up to join the Marine Corps.  You cannot imagine how proud of her I am.  She has made me more proud than I think any parent can ever be even if their child chose to be a cancer researcher or a charitable doctor doing work in Africa.  She opted for the delayed entry program.  She was so eager to enlist.  She had been waiting for months to turn 17 so she could go and just talk to the recruiters.  About a month before she turned 17 she was in the office with a friend and the recruiter’s asked her if she was planning to join.  She told them, “Hell, yeah!”  Only problem was she thought they wouldn't even talk to her until she turned 17.  To her amazement, they immediately started talking to her.  She was exuberant when she came home that day.  A piece of me died.

Every mother hopes their daughter will be a mother and only a mother.  I have known all along Alanna would never be a mother and only a mother.  Her dream in Jr High and even through the early years of high school was to become an actor.  Not a Hollywood actor, although I imagine it was the end game of the dream. Alanna wanted to act on stage.  I knew in my heart of hearts, this meant she was going to New York and even this scared me. 

I was confident she would live in a little closet of an apartment and possibly share it with someone.  They would take turns sleeping in the single bed and the rest of the room would be their closet.  They wouldn't have a kitchen and, of course, the room mate would be the same size as Alanna's so they could share clothes.  In effect, cutting down on the need for closet space. 

I, also, was aware she would live a hard life, but I had seen her on stage and KNEW she was going to make it.  Her eyes are so big and her nose and mouth so petite.  She has the strong cheekbones which run on my mother’s side on the family and the tiny chin my youngest sister has.  She has been nicknamed Anime after the Asian cartoon characters with the large eyes and tiny features.  I have always thought of her as my own Kewpie doll.

Needless to say, I was resolved and had accepted the fact my daughter was going to New York.  I was aware and prepared for the day she called me to tell me she had been mugged, molested or raped, even,  I was prepared for the long drives to New York and had even considered moving to Kansas City just to be closer to her and my other daughter.  (I love Kansas City).  I was prepared for the initial heartbreak of not getting call backs, but I had seen Alanna on stage.  I knew she was good.  She was so animated and it projected through the stage and melted your heart and drew you in. 

When she started talking the Marine Corps, I figured it was a fluke.  My dad went through the Marine Corps and my brother barely made it out with his sanity.  When Alanna told me she wanted to join the Marine Corps, having heard my father’s edict when I was 18, I sent her to talk to him…knowing he would talk her out of it! 

It was my safe and magically plan.  The one no one knew would turn out the way I wanted it to.  Ever thing would be perfect!  She would listen to him tell her how the Marine Corps was no place for a lady and she really should consider the Coast Guard or the Air Force.  She would get a better education in either of them.  He would tell her how it was a noble thought, but even the Navy and the Army were better places for a lady.  This was the story I had heard.

I set things up and made sure we were all together so I would be there to comfort her.  Dinner at a restaurant was a safe public place.  She wouldn't make too much of a scene.  The subject was finally breached and she expressed her decision to my father. I sat with baited breath, on pins and needles, itching for him to tell her the decision she had made wasn't the best and she really needed to rethink things.  I knew he would provide her with guidance in a different direction, helping her to see a different, better future.  I knew he would never outright tell her not to do it. 

But as I sat there, the oddest thing occurred.  The one thing I never anticipated.  He told her how proud he was and how excited for her he was.  In that very moment a bond between my youngest daughter and my father occurred.  You can’t imagine how sad I was.

I felt I had been left out of something important.  I felt I had been conned.  Dad was supposed to tell Alanna the same thing he told me.  The Marine Corps was no place for a lady.  She needed to consider something else. Instead, he gave her the go ahead to follow her dreams.

I really only have myself to blame.  I can remember one afternoon I was taking Alanna to the orthodontist.  Alanna's grades were slipping and I was busy trying to impart on her how important it would be for her to do well in school.  I was explaining how challenging it would be for her to go to college and I would only be able to help her, but she would have to go to community college and such.  That was when I threw in the whole possibility of joining the Armed Forces. 

I knew she wouldn't like the thought.  She had very adamantly professed her disgust with the military during the previous year when her brother had chosen to enlist in the Army.  She knew he would ship to a war torn area of the world and be killed.  The thought of him being in danger scared her to her core.  You could see the terror in her eyes.

I can remember telling her if she joined the Armed Forces, the benefits were beyond beneficial.  I told her she would be able to get help with college.  I told her there would be medical benefits for life.  I told her if she played her cards right, she would have tons of money when she got out.  I told her every positive thing I could think of when it came to the Armed Forces and how noble it would be to serve.

She still wasn't accepting much of it, but I knew she was thinking and listening. I don’t get credit for this conversation and probably never will, but it is one of those things I vividly remember.  I was so pleased she didn't just tell me no and actually was processing the information I supplied.  I should have thought then, to add the disclaimer, ‘anything but the Marine Corps!’

Sometime during Alanna's junior year she decided she wanted to be a Marine.  She hunted website after website looking for information on why you should join any branch.  All she could locate was a bunch of fluff and the websites for each branch.  Until she asked Google, “Why join the Marine Corps?”  Then the answers changed.

She located website after website on why the Marine Corps was the best, blogs and web journals and videos of people telling their story and expressing how excited they were to be part of the Marine Corps family. For weeks and months, I suffered listening to Alanna try to find a way around all the rules.  She wanted to turn 17 so badly, all so she could just TALK to a recruiter and know they would take her seriously.

Here we are 11 weeks, just 77 days from Alanna's scheduled ship day.  We have suffered her ship date being moved from this day to tat and back again.  We have endured injuries and we have endured heartbreak. Alanna has even had the chance to experience the ugly side of the Marine Corps and understand that it isn't everything she has hoped it would be.

And with all the good and bad, she still wants to be a United States Marine.  The best thing about it all is I want her to be a United States Marine.  I was raised a child of a United States Marine, I am the sister of a United States Marine, and now I am striving to be the mother of a United States Marine.  Oh, the stories I have to tell about her adventures and the stories I will have to tell!

I will need all the support you can muster and an outlet to vent my frustrations and my laughs.  I hope you find our adventure an exciting one as I know we will have some crazy stories to tell and we will keep you crying and laughing!  Most of all, I hope you keep me motivated to keep telling our story!

Thank you,

MCM2B