Have You Ever Seen a Naked Lady?

One afternoon in the middle of an uneventful day a very nondescript family was preparing a very simple meal.  The mother and daughter were working on the food prep while catching up.  Both women were quite comfortable standing at the counter chopping their respective items.  The conversation flowed easily, as both women loved each other very much and had wonderful stories to tell the other. Mom finished chopping her parsley and she picked up a lemon and started zesting it.  She was almost finished when she asked Daughter, “Have you ever seen a naked lady?” 

“Of course, every morning when I look in the mirror,” she giggled. But Mom wasn't asking such a light question.  Daughter watched Mom's facial expression, and followed Mom's gaze out the window.  There in the backyard was a naked lady standing in the rain. 

To the surprise of both women, the lady wasn't running around screaming or begging to be let in the door.  The lady, also, didn't seem to be worried about her nakedness. At this awareness, both women looked at each other and shrugged.  They walked to the back door and went out to talk to the lady.  By the time they opened the door, she had disappeared. 

Both women were quite perplexed and walked to the front of the house looking for the naked lady.  Daughter suggested due to the extreme heat outside, maybe the lady had evaporated.  Both women were mystified and laughed it off and went back to their cooking.

Later, when the men arrived and everyone was sitting around the table, Mom brought up the naked lady. She explained how the lady had mysteriously appeared in the back yard and then seemingly vanished. She told the men how she and Daughter were concerned about the well-being of the lady and wondered where she had come from and where she was.

Both men laughed at this story and suggested the women had pre-dinner libations which had caused them to have visions of this naked lady.  However, both women took offense to the men being so simple-minded and the meal ended on a rather stale note. 

That evening, after Daughter and her husband left, Mom was sitting in her chair in the living room.  She turned on the television to catch up on her documentary and found the news on.  There the beautiful news anchor was telling the story of a missing lady who had been found. 

 The lady had been missing for three months.  She told how she had been walking down the street headed to pick up a few groceries and the next thing she knew, she was standing in the backyard of someone’s house without any clothes on. In her embarrassment she had run as fast as she could to find shelter.  In the process, she had run towards a McDonald’s, but saw there was a policeman and she didn't want him to arrest her for being naked.  So she kept running. 

She ran and ran until she came to the freeway.  It was then she realized she had quite a dilemma. Due to an accident, the traffic was dreadful.  All those cars stuck on the freeway.  It was then she came up with a brilliant idea!  She would entertain all those miserable people. 

She ran towards an enormous white truck.  She started climbing up on the truck when the truck driver started hollering at her to get off his truck.  She told him, “I am going to provide a little entertainment to all the people stuck in traffic!”  He was so confused, he didn't even know what to say and besides, if he touched her, she might accuse him of assault.  Before he knew it, she was on top of his truck, singing, dancing and putting on quite a show.

After spending a little time entertaining everyone stuck in traffic, she realizes the police have shown up and now hopes in an unattended car and drives off.  Before she knows it, she is doing over 100 mph.  Driving this fast is very liberating and she enjoys it immensely.  She looks up in the rear view mirror to change lanes and realizes she is yet again being followed by the police.

She drives a little faster, exits the freeway and ditches the car.  As she runs through the parking lot, she remembers her school is nearby.  She impulsively runs to the campus and has a fleeting thought that her best friend is there.  As she enters the campus courtyard, she sees another policeman and panics. She doesn't understand why all these police are following her.

Wearily, she runs from the policeman.  By this point, she is starting to get tired of all this running.  Her feet are starting to hurt and she is worried someone thinks she has done something bad.  As she continues running she sees a sign for a race.  The race is near by and about to start, so she heads in that direction.  As she approaches the starting point, the lady hears the gun fire, signifying the race has started.  There are people all around her and she finally is starting to feel at peace.  She isn't the only one running naked and she feel like she is part of a family.

It is here she realizes she has a family and begins to wonder where they might be.  The lady becomes melancholy as she remembers her father had kidnapped her and kept her drugged.  They had been traveling across the country with him keeping her hidden. 

People are rushing past her as she stands in the middle of the road.  She is weary and tired and now sad.  She realizes she is in the way and walks out of the street into a liquor store and starts screaming she is so mad. She yells and cries and tells the people in the liquor store how her father has kidnapped her.  Someone calls the police, but at that moment, a man walks into the store. 

The lady sees the man and becomes terrified she screams and becomes inconsolable.  This man is her father and he is trying to take her away.  He starts to explain to the staff she is crazy and takes drugs.  He is dragging her out of the store and she is fighting him.  To her ultimate relief, the police show up.  This time, she doesn't fight with them or run from them.  She has remembered what has happened and with relief, finds herself, finally safe.

The news anchor explains the father had a psychotic break and had been drugging his daughter and keeping her prisoner because he thought she was going to marry and leave him alone, never seeing him again. He loved his daughter so much, he couldn't bear the thought of being alone and losing her.

The other night, my daughter was visiting and we were preparing dinner.  In the process, I was zesting a lemon and I turned to her and asked, “Have you ever seen a naked lemon?”  She thought I had asked if she had ever seen a naked lady. We had a great laugh over it, but it gave me the topic of this blog.

When you have the Cooties

It seems my body is revolting against living. I am not sure if it is revolting against me, or maybe it is just against living in general.  Maybe it would be happier in that voluptuous blond we saw the other day or perhaps it would prefer to be a man and not a woman. Either way, it hates me.

For as long as I can remember, I have been fighting with myself in an effort to not be in pain.  I have worn glasses since I was four and easily can tell you I can remember being in pain then. Some days it felt as if someone was trying to shred my bones from the inside. I would take pain relievers, but they rarely worked and who rally wants to suffer from liver damage or stomach issues because they took too much?

Unfortunately, I am not the only one who's body is having a Civil War. My mom also has been seeking a diagnosis for as long as I can remember,  Parts of her have already won little battles here and there; her uterus, her intestines...all removed because they couldn't stand her. My youngest daughter also appears to have similar symptoms.

Recently, she chose to have a full genetic analysis run.  Her diagnosis: Myotonia Congenita.  So I chose to have the same test.  My diagnosis: Myotonia Congenita.  My daughter had the test run.  Her diagnosis: Myotonia Congenita.

Myotonia Congentia is a hereditary disease which affects the muscles.  It causes the muscles to spasm and when activity is induced, they don't always relax.  But...as all the doctors kept telling us, "Myontonia doesn't cause pain."

In an effort to figure out what is causing the pain, mom and I have become lab rats, pin cushions and experts as navigating parking garages and the Medical Center. Not only do the insurance companies charge you an arm and a leg, but the parking garages are in on it too!  I have become quite convinced the doctors are in on the who charade, since they can't seem to keep appointment times.

You arrive 15 mins before your appointment.  Wait until a half hour after your appointment to be shown into a room.  Wait another 45 mins for the doctor to show up. Doctor walks in and leaves 5 minutes later.  You wait 15 minutes for doctor to return with all your orders and prescriptions. By the time you make it out the door, you have easily passed the 1 hour parking rate and and now into the 3 hour parking rate. $10 later you are finally able to escape!

Trouble is you have orders to see another doctor all so you can waste more time and money!

Our last visit was to see a neuro-muscular specialist.  Quite frankly, the only thing he had specialized in was the ability to be duplicitous. He decided I needed to have another EMG so HE could decide if I really had myotonia congenita.  My reward for submitting to yet another pin cushion test...a nice bruise. "Oh, did I hurt you?"  This was the doctor's response.  You can only imagine my irritation.  The next visit, I wore my "Infidel" shirt to let him know what I thought of him.

He did, submit mom and I to an ANST test.  Basically, it is a test which gauges your autonomic nervous system which controls blood pressure, sweating, and other things. They put all these sensors on you and stimulate the nerves with some protein water.  Then they do breathing exercises in an attempt to cause you to freak out and fail the test.  At the end, after laying flat for 45 minutes of these tests, they rapidly tilt the table to an upright position of about 70 degrees in an attempt to get you to pass out!

What is wrong with me?!?! I allowed them to do all these things to me!

In the end, I passed. Apparently, with flying colors (and I found out I am not a Time Lord). The evil doctor told me he didn't think our issue was myotonia.  He is more inclined to believe we suffer from an even worse condition called Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (EDS) .

EDS is an inherited disorder which affects connective tissue. And it causes pain.  Lots of it.  Lately, I have had a flair up.  I have been pretty uncomfortable and yet, I have persisted and pressed on, knowing it will go away and tomorrow may be a better day with less pain, less discomfort and the ability to do the things that make me happy; like jumping out of a plane, riding a roller coaster, tubing down the river, or just going to the gym.

There are about five different types of EDS. Some aren't as bad as others.  Some are pretty nasty.  I look at my symptoms and I think I am pretty lucky considering some of the symptoms other people have.

Now to play the hunt down the right doctor game!