So much is changing.
I had a birthday, my children are growing up and my marriage seems to be
distorted from what it used to be.
Lately, I don’t know who I am. I
always knew this would happen. I even
have tried to prepare for it.
I know it seems as if I am complaining. I am not. I am just trying to figure things out. For me putting my thoughts on paper (or Word)
is therapy. It is like telling my best
friend and never having to worry about them telling my secrets to anyone.
Yesterday, I turned 40. At times, it seems as if I am old and have
forgotten to live life. And at others,
it seems 40 years isn't that long ago. I
know neither of these thought to be completely true. I know in one perspective, they may seem
true, but when viewed in totality, neither is correct. I have lived a full life and could die today
knowing I have experienced more things than most people. However, if I were to die today there are so
many things left I want to experience and accomplish.
I read recently you should laugh at least 5 times an
hour. Yesterday, I laughed at least
that! Today, I am feeling more
melancholy than happy. Yesterday I was
with people in my life who help keep me laughing.
In the last year, I feel life has taken a turn I wasn't
expecting. It has been stressful at
times, making it hard to remember everything I want. I have hit a point where I notice I am
starting to forget things. The more
stress I suffer, the more things go missing.
So far, it is the simple things, but there are times I worry it will be
the important things. So much has
happened in the last few weeks, I feel it is necessary to write it down so I
don’t forget.
Last year in July, my youngest child, a daughter, signed up
to join the Marine Corps. You cannot
imagine how proud of her I am. She has
made me more proud than I think any parent can ever be even if their child
chose to be a cancer researcher or a charitable doctor doing work in
Africa. She opted for the delayed entry
program. She was so eager to
enlist. She had been waiting for months
to turn 17 so she could go and just talk to the recruiters. About a month before she turned 17 she was in
the office with a friend and the recruiter’s asked her if she was planning to
join. She told them, “Hell, yeah!” Only problem was she thought they wouldn't
even talk to her until she turned 17. To
her amazement, they immediately started talking to her. She was exuberant when she came home that
day. A piece of me died.
Every mother hopes their daughter will be a mother and only
a mother. I have known all along Alanna
would never be a mother and only a mother.
Her dream in Jr High and even through the early years of high school was
to become an actor. Not a Hollywood
actor, although I imagine it was the end game of the dream. Alanna wanted to
act on stage. I knew in my heart of
hearts, this meant she was going to New York and even this scared me.
I was confident she would live in a little closet of an
apartment and possibly share it with someone.
They would take turns sleeping in the single bed and the rest of the
room would be their closet. They
wouldn't have a kitchen and, of course, the room mate would be the same size as
Alanna's so they could share clothes. In
effect, cutting down on the need for closet space.
I, also, was aware she would live a hard life, but I had
seen her on stage and KNEW she was going to make it. Her eyes are so big and her nose and mouth so
petite. She has the strong cheekbones
which run on my mother’s side on the family and the tiny chin my youngest
sister has. She has been nicknamed Anime
after the Asian cartoon characters with the large eyes and tiny features. I have always thought of her as my own Kewpie
doll.
Needless to say, I was resolved and had accepted the fact my
daughter was going to New York. I was
aware and prepared for the day she called me to tell me she had been mugged,
molested or raped, even, I was prepared
for the long drives to New York and had even considered moving to Kansas City
just to be closer to her and my other daughter.
(I love Kansas City). I was
prepared for the initial heartbreak of not getting call backs, but I had seen
Alanna on stage. I knew she was
good. She was so animated and it
projected through the stage and melted your heart and drew you in.
When she started talking the Marine Corps, I figured it was
a fluke. My dad went through the Marine
Corps and my brother barely made it out with his sanity. When Alanna told me she wanted to join the
Marine Corps, having heard my father’s edict when I was 18, I sent her to talk
to him…knowing he would talk her out of it!
It was my safe and magically plan. The one no one knew would turn out the way I
wanted it to. Ever thing would be
perfect! She would listen to him tell
her how the Marine Corps was no place for a lady and she really should consider
the Coast Guard or the Air Force. She
would get a better education in either of them.
He would tell her how it was a noble thought, but even the Navy and the
Army were better places for a lady. This
was the story I had heard.
I set things up and made sure we were all together so I
would be there to comfort her. Dinner at
a restaurant was a safe public place.
She wouldn't make too much of a scene.
The subject was finally breached and she expressed her decision to my
father. I sat with baited breath, on pins and needles, itching for him to tell
her the decision she had made wasn't the best and she really needed to rethink
things. I knew he would provide her with
guidance in a different direction, helping her to see a different, better
future. I knew he would never outright
tell her not to do it.
But as I sat there, the oddest thing occurred. The one thing I never anticipated. He told her how proud he was and how excited
for her he was. In that very moment a
bond between my youngest daughter and my father occurred. You can’t imagine how sad I was.
I felt I had been left out of something important. I felt I had been conned. Dad was supposed to tell Alanna the same
thing he told me. The Marine Corps was
no place for a lady. She needed to
consider something else. Instead, he gave her the go ahead to follow her
dreams.
I really only have myself to blame. I can remember one afternoon I was taking
Alanna to the orthodontist. Alanna's
grades were slipping and I was busy trying to impart on her how important it
would be for her to do well in school. I
was explaining how challenging it would be for her to go to college and I would
only be able to help her, but she would have to go to community college and such. That was when I threw in the whole
possibility of joining the Armed Forces.
I knew she wouldn't like the thought. She had very adamantly professed her disgust
with the military during the previous year when her brother had chosen to
enlist in the Army. She knew he would
ship to a war torn area of the world and be killed. The thought of him being in danger scared her
to her core. You could see the terror in
her eyes.
I can remember telling her if she joined the Armed Forces,
the benefits were beyond beneficial. I
told her she would be able to get help with college. I told her there would be medical benefits
for life. I told her if she played her
cards right, she would have tons of money when she got out. I told her every positive thing I could think
of when it came to the Armed Forces and how noble it would be to serve.
She still wasn't accepting much of it, but I knew she was
thinking and listening. I don’t get credit for this conversation and probably
never will, but it is one of those things I vividly remember. I was so pleased she didn't just tell me no
and actually was processing the information I supplied. I should have thought then, to add the
disclaimer, ‘anything but the Marine Corps!’
Sometime during Alanna's junior year she decided she wanted
to be a Marine. She hunted website after
website looking for information on why you should join any branch. All she could locate was a bunch of fluff and
the websites for each branch. Until she
asked Google, “Why join the Marine Corps?”
Then the answers changed.
She located website after website on why the Marine Corps
was the best, blogs and web journals and videos of people telling their story
and expressing how excited they were to be part of the Marine Corps family. For
weeks and months, I suffered listening to Alanna try to find a way around all
the rules. She wanted to turn 17 so
badly, all so she could just TALK to a recruiter and know they would take her
seriously.
Here we are 11 weeks, just 77 days from Alanna's scheduled
ship day. We have suffered her ship date
being moved from this day to tat and back again. We have endured injuries and we have endured
heartbreak. Alanna has even had the chance to experience the ugly side of the
Marine Corps and understand that it isn't everything she has hoped it would be.
And with all the good and bad, she still wants to be a
United States Marine. The best thing
about it all is I want her to be a United States Marine. I was raised a child of a United States
Marine, I am the sister of a United States Marine, and now I am striving to be
the mother of a United States Marine.
Oh, the stories I have to tell about her adventures and the stories I
will have to tell!
I will need all the support you can muster and an outlet to vent
my frustrations and my laughs. I hope
you find our adventure an exciting one as I know we will have some crazy
stories to tell and we will keep you crying and laughing! Most of all, I hope you keep me motivated to
keep telling our story!
Thank you,
MCM2B
